........ Having spent fourteen years of my life as a retail salesperson and sales manager, I feel I am well qualified to act as a knowledgeable consumer whenever planned obsolescence dictates that I replace some essential household article. Fielding innumerable questions from consumers during thousands of transactions has left me in peak form for when I am forced, out of total necessity, to shop. (The sensors in my body that would allow me to feel the exhilaration experienced by shopaholics have been permanently dulled by endless days of 9:00AM to 9:00PM confinement in a mall, so shopping as a form of recreation is not part of my lifestyle).

........ One of the basic rules of sales, as anyone who has sat through countless hours of "how to" seminars can attest, is to point out a feature of the product and then immediately state the benefit of that feature to the potential buyer. Often these features and related benefits can seem to be ridiculously obvious, and it is difficult to point them out without feeling that you are demeaning the customer. For example: "This TV also has a remote control" (the feature) - "so that you can change channels without getting out of your recliner" (the benefit). On occasion, however, you do find a customer's hot-button and the application of this rule results in a sale as perfect as any shown in the training films. Salesperson: "This SCUD missile is shaped like a palm tree" (the feature) - "so that it is virtually impossible to detect from the air" (the benefit)....... Saddam Hussein: "Great! I'll take three hundred of them!".

........ Armed with the confidence gained from these experiences, I set out to buy myself a new watch from the local Mega Mart. Since I spend a great deal of time in my backyard swimming pool, a hot summer had hastened the demise of my present $9.95, Swiss precision, 17-moving-part chronometer, and I was only rarely able to catch a glimpse of the dial through the condensation. My needs were simple; hopefully I would be in the store for only a few minutes. I needed a large analog dial to assist my over-50 eyes, and a non-leather watchband (out of deference to my animal-rights activist friends). It was also important that the watch cost more than its recommended replacement battery, so that I would not be forced to discard the watch when its original battery died, thus avoiding contributing simultaneously to mercury pollution and the landfill crisis. Most importantly, the watch needed to be water-resistant. Little did I realize how this particular feature would affect my way of thinking for the rest of my life!

........ Within a relatively short period of time I was able to narrow the selection down to a model with all the features I sought. After plunking down $19.95 (plus all applicable state and local taxes) I quickly left the store, anxious to put my new purchase into service. Arriving at home, I opened the package, confident that this simple analog timepiece would not require my pressing multitudes of minuscule buttons in order to spring into operation. A cursory glance at the instructions and I would be in business. That was when I noticed the warning attached to the description of the aforementioned all-important feature: "Water resistant to a depth of 200 ft. Not to be used for scuba diving".

........ My reaction was immediate! What would I possibly be doing 200 ft. underwater (or even only 100 ft. for that matter) if I wasn't scuba diving? Some immediate possibilities flashed through my mind, none of which seemed particularly appealing.

Drowning

Attempting the first transatlantic crossing by automobile

Testing a new virtual reality rebreathing device

........Then I thought of the most disturbing possibility of all! Suppose, just suppose, that I met my demise at the hands of a nationally known sports hero who then immediately disposed of my corpse in a shallow lake less than 200ft. deep. The watch would continue to run, thus preventing investigators from accurately determining the time of my death. This would perhaps be the one opening necessary for some "dream team" defense attorney to obtain the acquittal of my slayer. "Your Honor, my client couldn't possibly be guilty! His non-shock resistant watch stopped at precisely 10:45PM while he was practicing his golf swing on the riverbank over 5 minutes away by Bronco."

........ It was then that I vowed to do my best to protect my family from the possibility of future agony. I would never, from that day on, spend any time in the company of national sports figures, nor would I ever again wear a water resistant watch! I carefully repackaged and returned the watch, thankful that it had been purchased from a retailer who cheerfully offers refunds or exchanges with no questions asked!

© 1997All Rights Reserved
Frank Dionne
573 Westminster Hill Rd.
Fitchburg, MA 01420
Phone: (978)342-9059
Fax: (978)342-9061
E-Mail: frank.dionne@verizon.net