........Armed with my meter readings, I dialed the given number and heard the following prerecorded message, delivered in a deliberate, agonizingly slow manner: "Thank you for calling Unitil Fitchburg Gas & Electric Light Company. We apologize for the inconvenience, but we have changed our telephone number. We can now be reached, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by dialing, toll free, 1-888-XXX-XXXX. Thank you."
........Undeterred by this temporary inconvenience, I dialed 1-888-XXX-XXXX and got the following, also prerecorded, message: "Thank you for calling Unitil Fitchburg Gas & Electric Light Company. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance. If you are calling about a gas leak, please dial 978-XXX-XXXX." Since the entire process, including dialing, took almost one full minute to complete, I was extremely thankful that my call was not about a gas leak! (I wonder how many explosions are heard on this line in a year's time?)
........Remaining on the line, I was then greeted by a third message which said, "We're sorry but all of our representatives are busy assisting other customers. Your call is extremely important to us and will be answered by the next available representative. The approximate waiting time is two minutes". Resigned to my fate, I settled down to be "soothed" by the canned background music. Within five seconds I was jolted by the "We're sorry but all of our representatives, etc." message again. The message proceeded to repeat itself every five seconds, annoying me to the point that I wished a gas leak & subsequent explosion would immediately interrupt this message! After this onslaught, even the canned symphony would be welcome!
........Then there was the time I called my pager company on a Saturday to inquire about a billing mixup. The message cheerily informed me that, due to a high volume of calls, the expected waiting time to speak to a representative would be approximately forty-five minutes! The message then went on to say that if my call was not urgent I could call back after 9:00AM Pacific time on Tuesday! Since I had some time to kill, curious because Monday was not a Holiday, and mainly because I was calling a toll-free number, I decided to stay on hold and wait it out. Approximately one dead air hour later (No canned music or annoying repetitive messages) a representative finally got to my call and apologetically explained that there were only two service reps handling the entire USA!
........These incidents help illustrate the feeling I have that I'm sure is shared by many of you out there. Automated phone systems REALLY SUCK! I have had one too many tour-by-phone trips through the halls of large corporations, only to have the call automatically terminated because I was not clever enough to make the correct selection. I don't consider myself to be the least bit technologically challenged, yet encounters with some of these automated menus have left me with the urgent need to hang up and immediately call my therapist! I wonder if some slick barrister would be willing to file a lawsuit, citing "automated verbal abuse"? Meanwhile, I yearn to hear a cheery, live person saying, "Good morning and thank you for calling the Acme Company! How may I direct your call?"
........I have heard so many stories regarding these menus that I am convinced that this is a nationwide, if not a worldwide, problem! My fiancée, Diane, calls Europe & Canada daily in connection with her work and acknowledges that these problems exist there as well. She also tells of the time she called her doctor's office and followed the instructions given by the automated menu. The last choice was to stay on the line if she wished to speak to a receptionist. After a 15 second delay the automated voice said "I'm sorry, you have not made a valid selection." then terminated the call!
........Recently I have cautiously begun to use the automated pay-by-phone services offered by some of my creditors. Here the companies seem to have gotten it right! The menus are clear, precise, and very easy to follow. Of course! They know how to take in money, they just seem to have a hard time giving you good service when you need it ! They do manage to inject a bit of humor into the process, though, by using the voice of a lady who speaks a curious blend of English, Swedish, and Computereze. ("You have entered Four. Hundred. Seven. Dollars. And. Fifty. Two. Cents. If this is correct, press 1") I wonder if she is related to the Swedish chef of Muppets fame?
........In conclusion, I'm sure many of you have horror stories of your own to relate in dealing with these wonderfully advanced, and totally customer-unfriendly menus. If you would send them to me I will be glad to publish them in a later article. Please include your comments on the many annoying little messages from "Ma Bell" that seem to pop up almost every time a call is made. My particular "favorite" is the one that tells me the line is busy (As if I didn't recognize that buzz after 55 years!) and then offers to continue trying the number for me, for a nominal fee of course!
........In the meantime, here is a list of changes I would like to see made to the systems & menus that I have to deal with: © 1998 All Rights Reserved
Frank Dionne
573 Westminster Hill Rd.
Fitchburg, MA 01420
Phone: (978)342-9059
Fax: (978)342-9061
E-Mail: Frank_Music@prodigy.com