........Recently Diane and I met for lunch at a nearby lunch counter. What makes this spot especially fun is its location, tucked away in a greenhouse garden shop. After lunch we were browsing through the seasonal plants, flowers, craft-type signs, scarecrows and garden aids when we spotted a display that sent us into fits of laughter. Almost immediately our minds began to conjure up all kinds of unusual images and prompted the conversation that resulted in this article.

........In a section reserved for politically correct and environmentally safe pest control products was one called "Predator Urine". The product's "manufacturer", (the best word I could think of to describe the process), claims that it will deter pests, such as the Easter Bunny, Rocky Raccoon or Bambi, from your garden much more effectively than fences or chicken wire. There are quite a few odiferous varieties to choose from, such as coyote, fox, bobcat and even wolf! Simply determine what pest is ravaging your brussel sprouts, choose a predator according to its dietary preferences, and apply the "magic" liquid. (Another good reason to wash fruits and veggies thoroughly before eating). I have no doubt that this works because neighborhood dogs (relatives of the wolf) spray liberal amounts of "protection" on the shrubs in front of my house everyday and NOTHING munches on them!

........The practical part of me, however, soon began to wonder how one goes about collecting enough of a wild predator's urine to bottle and sell on a nationwide basis. The bottles contain several ounces of "deterrent" and the instructions recommend applying liberally. Hiding collection jugs in popular bushes in the forest would be cumbersome at best, not to mention potentially life-threatening to those gathering wolf "product". In addition, most wild predators do not submit to urine testing, (random, constitutional or otherwise), so a network of veterinarians would probably not be a good source for the precious golden liquid either.

........Suddenly I realized that the manufacturers had overlooked the most deadly predator of them all, and the one with the most plentiful and easily gathered supply of "product".....Man, the Ultimate Predator! Just a few drops of second-hand "Frog & Lizard" beer should be enough to send most animals scurrying for cover, fearing for their lives. Large amounts would be cheap, easy to produce, and especially handy in those matriarch-headed gardening households that do not have a resident source of supply. (Although teenage boys in these households are capable of producing sufficient quantities, it is illegal for them to consume the raw materials used in manufacture).

........ "Ultimate Predator Urine" would be easily recognized by its label with a photo of a man wearing an orange vest and camouflage fatigues, shown applying the repellent to a bush in the woods (rear view only). Larger sizes would depict men in baseball caps and softball team jackets "protecting" the shrubbery near Foxboro Stadium. The label would also contain instructions on applying the product directly from the bottle for those customers who do not have a handy attached applicator, or whose own older applicator works too slowly. A warning about the extreme corrosiveness of the liquid would also be included.

........Due to the ease of production and a plentiful & inexpensive source of raw materials, a backwoods cottage industry could spring up almost overnight to meet the demand for this all natural product.

(Wife).... "Vern! Why in tarnation are you and Jeb drinking beer with your breakfast?"
(Vern).... "We got to, Daisy Mae. Just got a rush order from Wal-Mart for 50 cases!'

........Diane and I also wondered about how the USDA goes about verifying the authenticity of the product currently being sold. Is it really wolf urine? Who knows? Maybe Vern and Jeb are already happily, and drunkenly, employed as subcontractors by a major company who has provided them with the ultimate incentive perks; unlimited beer, a big-screen TV and a satellite dish with an NFL football subscription.

........So the next time you see a varmint chewing up your garden, rush to your refrigerator, pop open a can of your favorite suds and say "This one's for you!" Then you can ponder the following question: Is the decline in wildlife population the result of loss of habitat, or the over-application of "Ultimate Predator Urine" by hunters?

© 1997All Rights Reserved
Frank Dionne
573 Westminster Hill Rd.
Fitchburg, MA 01420
Phone: (978)342-9059
Fax: (978)342-9061
E-Mail: frank.dionne@verizon.net