........I have been blessed with an upbringing and an education that has given me a comfortable working knowledge of the English language as a communication tool, with a particular affinity for spelling. I was the first, and for a time the only, grandchild. This gave my grandparents, my doting aunts, and my Mom the opportunity to give me many hours of their undivided attention, many of which were spent cheerily reading to me. Bill Clinton would be proud! My Grandfather in particular taught me to read long before I began formal schooling, reading the newspaper to me and then making me read it to him. Many different nuns at Holy Rosary School continued with the process for eight years, which was then topped off with four years of English at Assumption Prep in Worcester, under the tough, yet humorous and sensitive, guidance of Mr. Edward Powers, who never seemed to care that six other subjects also needed my efforts. This seemingly constant exposure to the workings of the English language resulted in many perfect scores on spelling tests. These were a great source of pride to my dear Mother, although I must admit that I did make many, many lucky guesses!

........I offer this brief glimpse into my educational background in order to explain why I never, until recently, had attempted to use a feature found on most word processors: the one that is designed to correct typo's and adjust for the occasional memory lapse: the one that is supposed to compensate for daydreaming during English class: I am talking about the spell check option. I'm not saying that I never needed to use it, only that my habit of looking the word up in the dictionary usually kicked in long before the thought of using spell check ever crossed my mind. Lately, however, I have been spending a lot of time surfing the net and sorting through endless amounts of e-mail. As a result I have noticed that spelling errors are becoming much more numerous and obvious on the web. I'm sure that the bulk of them result from hurried typing and a lack of proof-reading, rather than educational gaps, but I wondered if the consistent use of spell check could help improve the situation. I decided to try it for myself.

........I began first by using it to check some business letters, in lieu of my customary proof-reading procedure. I was pleased to see that several typos, including the lack of a space between two words, were detected by this high-tech Sherlock Holmes of the grammar world! I then answered several e-mail messages using my usual two-fingered, hunt & peck, enough words per minute to get by, style of typing. Once again all the goofs were detected and corrected by clicking on this wonderful new button. Wow, this was exciting! An automated feature that really works!

........There was just one little thing that caught my eye, however. Although spell check did well with the common spelling mistakes and typo's, it did seem to have a slight problem with people's names. For example, it kept trying to convince me to change my friend David's last name from Pothier to Pithier, and my fiancée Diane's from Bruckert to Bracket. There also seemed to be a lack of feel for geographical names as well, although changing the name of the Nashua River to the Nacho River, as spell check suggests, might be appropriate, considering the amount of chemicals dumped there in the past. Spell check offered no suggestions, however, for another local river, the Squannacook.

........I then decided to put spell check to the ultimate test. I would apply it to Country Music, that area of our culture that is blessed with an overabundance of names just begging to be checked! I soon discovered that Country artists' names take on a whole new dimension when spell check is applied to them.

I offer the following as examples of spell check's creativety:

• Sammy Kershaw's fans go nuts now that his name is Sammy Cashew.
• Billy Ray Cyrus' new ballad is even sweeter now that he is Billy Ray Syrups.
• Willy Nelson can more easily deal with the IRS as Wily Nelson.
• Steven Curtis Chapman wins more Grammys as Steven Curtis Champion.
• After his new album bombs because of mediocre songs, Travis Tritt becomes Travis Trite.
• Garth Brooks gains 40 lbs. and changes his name to Girth Brooks.
• One too many nights on the road causes Ricky Van Shelton to become Ricky Van Sheraton.
• Rodney Crowell is now meek as a mouse with the name Rodent Crawl.
• Collin Raye has a sex change operation and becomes Colleen Raye.
• Tanya Tucker gets carried away with dieting and becomes Tiny Tucker.
• Dolly Parton supports the arts generously as Dolly Patron.
• Leroy Parnell releases an album of prison songs as Leroy Parolee.
• Flaco Jimenez can play all the crazy riffs he wants on his accordion as Flake Jimenez.
• Martina McBride releases an album of cocktail lounge drinking songs as Martini McBride.
• Marty Stuart releases an album of angst-filled ballads as Martyr Stuart.
• Shania Twain appears in a porno movie about bondage as Shania Twine.
• Hal Ketchum spices up his new music as Hal Ketchup.
• Don't take any checks from Suzy Bogguss now that she's Suzy Bogus.
• Reba McEntire releases an album of computer-based music under the name of Reboot McEntire.
• Things are just ducky for Joe Diffie now that he is Joe Daffy.
• Elvis' cult status is further enhanced as spell check changes his last name to Priestly.
• Understandably there are no suggestions for Delbert McClinton or Dwight Yoakam.

........As a result of this experiment, I have decided to use spell check more often in the future, although I plan to remain alert to its limitations. I also encourage all of my readers to do the same and to send me the most humorous and unusual examples you come across, so that I may include them in subsequent articles. My plan is to apply spell check to artists names in Pop Music and eventually to song titles. Good spelling!

Send Suggestionsl